what you feed on consumes you.

 i once discussed the ouroboros symbol in class and how that often  applied to the volatility and chaos of relationships. the one you love can both fill and consume you in such confusing intensity to the point that you want to just throw yourself off a building.

exhibit A:
my dying fridge and its beer going flat and warm as we speak. it's just beer to some but its liquid gold to me.i'm not an alcoholic. it's just that these were hard-earned rare commodities i managed to find online and had to get them specially ordered and delivered. it cost me a good 120bucks for 24 bottles and i planned to savour it over the rest of the year. i open these on certain occasions -- in celebration or escape. either way they provide ineffable comfort and warms the mind and belly. but they languish and die with their vapours seeping into the caps and causing them to smell rusty. i should just drink the remaining 12 in one go, have a nasty hangover or tetanus.whichever comes first.i don't give a fuck. all because she was careless and left the fridge door ajar until i awoke 3 hrs later.the damage is done. i ponder on how someone who loves you can really do things which make you want to kill her.but i internalise and ask why am i still here?

exhibit B:
自作自受 this roughly translates to how humanity causes his own problems. it works both ways in this case. i have caused my own heartaches by taking that leap of faith, or should i say folly. i told myself last year to keep clear of emotional entanglements because they will destroy your harmony.but did i listen?
and how she has the knack of walking into a pothole when she's been forewarned. despite my better advise to rest, go home n get a good night's slumber, she insists on staying over and here a events which spiral into another destructive cycle.i can't even begin to elaborate because it doesn't warrant more thought.


exhibit C:
my love language is purely about giving and doing things. this i have maintained since we committed this into a marriage. now i am starting to have doubts, not about the love but about taking this to a possible future of misery and anger. i have to qualms about spending my hard-earned money to make my loved ones happy. it makes sense because it isn't just need but love which drives a person to wake everyday and complete tasks of sometimes mindless extents, only so you can translate that into gifts and dinner treats. yes it's great to shop only for staples and that occasional luxury, but more so if it puts a smile on another's heart. so it pains me to think that all these though trying on limited resources amount to calculative rows and petty fault-finding. it makes you question the volition of being in a relationship. if it consumes you with such deep hurt and cyclical exhaustion.why do we do it?


and then i look at the melting pools of my pooch and the answer comes clear and fast. animals don't expect nor hold you to anything, they do not begrudge nor fault. they truly live the vows of to have and to hold, for better for worse, till death. i think i might be a misanthrope, more than i care to admit. the rest of what i can give of myself anymore remains to be seen.