a checklist on why she's the one

1. she sweeps 6 years of accumulated dustbunnies under the kids' beds
2. she holds you through the middle of the night while you sob from unresolved issues induced by too much moscato the evening before
3. she cuts up all your papayas and dragonfruit in bitesize pieces coz you're too arsed to do it ever
4. she plants a million kisses on your pre-washed face in the morn haha
5. she never flirts and when flirted at shows zero interest
6. she sings her childhood songs in variants of tunes only because she knows it amuses you
7. she goes out on a limb to get the kids things only because she wants to buy them the things she never had as a child
8. she bakes you valrhona laced cranberry cookies 
9. repeat the above haha

is it silly that i still tear watching them like this?

 i guess it takes me back to a halcyon phase of their lives, despite post-divorce and having such major upheavals in their lives. i dare say they are the biggest inspiration in my life, their souls,their artless manner of taking things in their stride. thiswas an era where they were also filming a lot with jo's camera, something of a godsend which attests for the prolific tubes i have archived. i know these will stay online as long as there remains a youtube haha.

 gah im a sentimental fool. dont think its pms.maybe just projected stress from the students' coming exams. it's like a 2 year project culminating to its moment of reckoning. but yes i do miss the shrubs at this age. they're still amazing but i hope someday they'll look back on these vids n remember how much they were each others' sister and best friend.

heart.mind.soul

what do you know? they share the same initials =]

and a random spot of nostalgia


this is the age you first met them, baby

bunny's a teen!

how quickly i've become a mom of two teens. scary. but good coz now i can finally say im in mommy hell haha not really actually i think they're the coolest teens i've ever birthed and met. no credit to me except raising them to be decent and polite, letting them be themselves, embracing their quirks with their talents.


then : a sweet lil tween


now: all grown up but still a cherub to me <3

we had a little dinner surprise for her at baby's

 

my attempt at panda riceballs

and baby's stellar efforts at panda cupcakes.it's a lot harder than it looks, unlike my playdough efforts hahaha

i'm just warmed by how we've grown as a family. was telling her the other day, there are girlfriends and there are wives, and she's wife material for real. and hot to boot!





that said, i really love having the kids home. they light up my day / life!

lessons in love.

2011 could easily be the worst year of my life. I spent most of it in states of oblivion, either drunk or starved to the point of disorientation. i embraced it as part of my cleansing and renewal. the need to start over, to make amends. i walked around often in a zombie state. some evenings i would find myself walking aimlessly in the middle of the night, passing her home and looking at the 10th floor, wondering if she was up at 3am. i'd do the occasional stupid text and then my pride would thrash it. i existed merely to go from place to place, keeping alive to fulfill and function. i only looked forward to seeing my kids alternate weekend, only to return them with dread and despair. i knew this purgatory would end eventually and i had intended it on my 43rd year. i made a whole inane farewell video, getting the fling to release it on my fb on my behalf. i re-drafted my will, fixed my home, prepped my goodbyes, leaving all my earthly possessions to people who mattered. i refrained from telling her because i didn't need her to always think she was a catalyst. truth is my soul had already left. an empty nuance of who i was remained, the one who had duties to fulfill, but a mere suggestion of what i was when  through the motions. on my birthday trip to phuket with the kids i wept while waiting for our early flight, reminiscing of the very moments we both sat there hand in hand, not a care in the world, leaving our real lives and the assorted judgements and challenges that brought behind. in december at tokyo i curled under the covers after the kids slept and again found myself sobbing, the depth of my loneliness inexplicable, the misery of lost dreams, missing her form, wondering where it was. so i muttered these words to whoever was out there, i knew we were in an existential solitude, but irrationally i yearned for a force which could change this stagnated ennui. i told whoever it was that i was done. i would go in time, i would leave before the year end because i didn't really feel the need to drag out another miserable year.

2012 has been nothing short of a miracle. more so because of its timing. it was that very week of making my plans to go on a one-way trip to nepal that we reconnected, my partner and i. in fact it was the same morning that i had dropped off something for the ex-gf which i met up later with the present and regarded her more than someone of my past acquaintance, perhaps a sign, a hint of things to come. all i knew was from that day i felt liberated from my burdens. i felt like i had spent a year suffocating in my self-imposed isolation which in time had become a somewhat comforting numbness. but in the same token i was like a baby learning to walk again, falling so often, retreating again to indifference, fearful of emerging to more cycles of doubt and distrust.

it took a lot of patience and understanding on her part to get this. perhaps from time to time this scared child takes over. and it retreats into its sanctuary of silent indifference. it has nothing to fear nor care. in there it can forget and possibly feel nothing. it has to be coaxed with tiring assurance and saint-like patience. in that way she did her best to try and in faith succeeded. in that sleep of death what dreams may come. it was an easier place to be and letting go required a whole renewal of faith. that which often eluded me because i didn't want to suspend that jaded indifference which i had woven into a perfect tapestry of the ghost i wished to be. time and again, cycles of unfathomable melancholy and fear. it threatens that harmony but i shrug it instead of confronting it. perhaps i should learn to simply do more and think less. i told myself this very mantra last year. my brother-in-law pointedly said it would be hard for me because my nature is to internalise too much.

perhaps i will move to a realm of that calm i covet. perhaps i will finally be happy and learn to trust my happiness. and perhaps i will walk completely strong, fall and not retreat but move on.

us.

thank you, hon for keeping it real.

Everything is relative in life. I am nobody to judge or comment but I know I am able to come this far in managing my emotions/relationships especially in recent years is I know my self worth. Whatever happened in the past however bad or painful, they serve to make me stronger and wiser. They are not meant to haunt me and remind me of failures and anxiety of not being good enough. I learnt how to be honest and be kinder to myself. Because I see how I hurt people when I think wot the fuck did I do that wasn't good enough that people think that wat. But in actual fact I was the only consumed by it and others' life went on merrily. When u have self doubts u r not good enough in ur work, look at it desk, see the change u have brought to ur students' lives & how u touched them. When u feel ur fucking best efforts are not good enough for the kids, remember their cheeky smile and the twinkle in their eyes when they laughed with u and say the quirky things only they do because they have ur innate cleverness. And when u think ur fucking best is not enough for me, I hope u recall times when I held u tight, watch u eat the food I prepared and I hope u saw the love in my eyes and that those moments are what touched my heart, I hope these things and moments are what matters and will help u push those self doubt of not being good enough for anyone out of ur head. I can only hope that in time to come to internalize all these and its clear as day but I know its going to take time so I wait. As for the rest of humanity, they can be whatever they want because I am only gg to surround myself with good. In thoughts, actions and words, people, whenever I possibly can.

And everyone u have touched in ur own way, whatever u have done to help, make them happy, in whatever way, u may not see the results right away. Life is a journey isn't it? However fucked humanity is, we try to find something good too right? Tts why I truly am thankful for all that I have been blessed with especially this year. I have learnt, grown and gainef so much in love and blessings. If u r tired, if u r sick of everything, then let them go. Carrying tt invisible ruler of measurement and alarm clock of reminder must feel horrible. But somehow u have become used to them. I guess breaking old habits and forming new ones is a process. Takes time. But it also takes discipline and determination. And in true civil servant speak, last but not least, every is a brand new day. We can have a choice to embrace, focus and fill it with love, good things/tots and more or give in to the easier feeling of what's the point, its a ducking dismal world with fucked up people and the likes. I guess its like when how I started exercising after 20 years, it was so hard. But now that I have conscientiously done it for a year, I find it easier and easier. So baby, really, don't judge yourself anymore, and judge yourself so harshly. U r so good in many ways u know.

• A relationship to me is a partnership. Its what we make of it. I don't need u to 'take care' of me. We take care of each other in whatever ways there are.
• And unless u see me in the role of your ex husband then I have nothing to say
• And as for last nights post it was really a think out loud moment because I had worked with a raging fever winter before and I was ok and when I was burning up rapidly last night tts the question in my head tts all. It has never crossed my mind that I wanted u to come over or anything else and not a back handed way to insinuate tt u don't take care of me enough. I don't need or want what strong woman as my partner. I just want a partner who wants to work through things with me and trust me enough to walk in life with her
  
  wow. i don't think baby has written so much in a sitting before, save when we have our tiffs.  and all i could reply when floored by her unusual display of verbosity (in a good way of course, since i'm always the one rambling ) was:
  " invisible ruler of measurement " nice metaphor. sry occupational hazard
  
  i love how your partner can surprise you every turn. <333
  
  more importantly, she's the only one i can be serious and silly with. like the other day when we met for lunch she brought with her the batch of cookies she made, opened the box and said, see b, smell and as i reached to take one said, no you will spoil your dinner. i told her that was tantamount to spousal abuse and we guffawed all the way in the car. it felt like we were married for decades.