putting up with put downs

this week has been especially rough. at least to my self-worth. never in my life have i been made to see how inadequate i am as a partner and how i don't measure up to expectations of one, coupled with a comparison of my maturity to her previous partners who were decades younger than me.
in one fell swoop i was made to address how i've fallen short of taking good care of her and how the burden was mostly on her.

all i was left with was an empty shell of relevance. i had not done enough, and worse, added grief to her life by being so volatile and self-absorbed, for being perpetually 10 which used to be a joke but isn't funny anymore. it simply means i'm both emotionally and psychologically crippled as a partner and have really nothing to offer other than my sense of humour (also waning) and what used to be endearing traits have become hurtful and tiresome.

so what's left? honestly at this point all i see before me are shadows and a futile journey towards more heartbreak. im starting to believe i'm incapable of really loving another person other than my own kids. perhaps i've been denying that too long. i find myself in such uncertain places when it comes to dealing with another person in the long haul. the initial romance gives way to unresolved conflicts, broken communication and so so much suffering. and then we salvage, start over, only to return to that same painful place. it's cyclical and honestly fucking draining. i find myself fluctuating in wait after these breakdwons because for days i'd feel too gutted to put anything in my system.

right now i just want to move forward on my own terms, with very simple goals of living like a quiet brook, without drama, without upheavals, nary a need to reconstruct what i had spent a lifetime honing as time-honoured values. this includes what i can affirm as being right with the way i raise the kids and how i relate to them as both mother and friend. i want to bring them on two more holidays at least, to japan after jo's o levels and korea after jil's o levels and jo's a levels.
these are realistic goals independent of a partner. and if i think about it, why do i need a partner to achieve these goals? i've been doing these things solo long enough to create beautiful memories. tokyo will always be my milestone of maternal independence in a foreign land, and looking at the momentos the shrubs have kept i'm sure it was significant in their own private experiences.

so i've resolved from here on not to collapse under the possibly subjective perception of another's judgement. everyone has standards and it is their right to want their partners to measure up. likewise i've also a wishlist which i think deep down i know will never be fulfilled but i continue to hope. perhaps it's also time to stop wishing and simply learn to live with singlehood. and once that happens, the healing begins, and i will realise i am really worthy of love, and whoever comes along is equally deserving of that love.

latest update: we are working things out but putting intimacy on hold. that to me is like being besties.
i think we will someday have to come to terms that maybe we function best as good friends or friends with benefits. but nothing beyond or in between...it's getting too hard anyway

numb.

have spent a good week evaluating myself to death and i've come to terms with who/what i am

1. i thrive best when i rely on self. that way i have no expectations / disappointments
2. it was my destiny to have kids because unlike partners, they are your flesh and blood and instinctively you will love them unconditionally and this has made me less self-involved
3. i spent the last 25 years trying to find that ideal mate who could accept me for who i am but it was a lot harder to do the reverse, hence a chain of relationships which broke down because i was never able to really give of myself / trust / accomodate. maybe that explains why i was told that comparatively i failed to take care of her as well as her previous partners. it cuts deeply but as they say, you need to be cruel to be kind.
4. i want to spend the rest of my life atoning for that but i fear the old habits will kick in and i will retreat to that bubble where i feel safe from hurt or betrayal
5. i love my kids and dog because they represent what i feel right about myself when with them i truly love who i am
6. presently, i don't always love who i am when my partner makes me feel like i have fallen short of being adequate for her needs. this tears me inside and upsets that inner harmony which keeps me from being self-destructive. perhaps that's what they mean by dysfunction.
7.  i feel disconnected from people most of the time because they baffle me with their inane views of the universe or they do not apply their god-given intellect. this makes me socially a snob and it's something i'm not proud of, yet it grounds me to some form of order and sense which is both calming and comforting

so there it is. as brutally honest and without malice. i am who i am and i can't explain it any clearer. for that reason, i never expect anyone who isn't related to me to ever grasp or accept that. if that is possibly the cause of all my break downs in relationships then it is a fate i will live with till my last breath.

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mummy's death anniversary today also reminds me to keep it real for the kids

looking at this pic brings back a time of innocence and joy. i really want to channel this for myself and not think of the bad stuff associated with childhood. i know she loved me dearly but at times was helpless to deal with my personality. i know i can be as strong as she was in managing her challenges. that strength will live on through me in the face of adversity.

editing and turning the page.

so why have i changed the name of this blog?
simply as the name suggests because that's what i hope this will be from here on.
i need to make a dramatic shift in how i exist.

i dont want to live in the past but move forward to a calmer existence. one focused on finishing up what has so far been a challenging 44 years. i turn 44 in a few days and i need a zeitgeist of sorts.

i've made such a royal mess of the past decades so i just want the journey from now on to be mindful and glitch-free. it's a choice. i will assert my path of free will. on my own terms.
no more second-guessing every decision. just letting it lead me to that heavenly respite i so seek.

june you loon

this bd month has been a crapper. other than a needed respite in taiwan everything else has been a series of suck

1. broken tooth
2. stolen wallet
3. jo's passport issues
4. more teething problems

how shall i respond?

1. fuck all
2. fuck all
3. fuck all
4. fuck all

to no offence to buddhists, i think that's a mantra i could chant until my last breath. shit will find its way no matter how you react. so yup please burn the house down and wreck the car and lose my job and i can then say with conviction that i don't need to be here living this out anymore

and maybe 5. heartbreak. yay my life

ketchup.catchup

haha nonsensical title but i guess i think of the kids when i think of ketchup. everything i cooked when they were growing up involved that condiment at some point.

anyway it's been a wonderful week with them even if mostly playing chaffuer. it's those drives which allow for us to update each other on our latest episodes of comedy and little upsetting moments. we rant, we laugh but mostly we listen.

the other day after dinner while getting groceries, ducky broke into a dorky sway-dance despite a long tiring school day and bunny rolled her eyes while i guffawed too loudly. we felt free and somewhat ineffably right with life and each other. the comfort level, the honest sharing, the old familiar bliss of being together like this, doing the banal but calming routines, now including buying feminine products, seeing how they're two young ladies, learning so much more about their changes.

i asked what they'd do if left for a week to fend for themselves and jo said she'd try to include veges and jil said she's worry about whether there was enough money to manage for a week. haha it's funny how they are so different and yet that chemistry assures me they'd get on well together and somewhat take good care of each other, even if in mock-indifference. i love how they just gel in a strangely workable symbiosis of nag and ignore, much like a perfect marriage. i see them being together even if they get married or have their own kids, they'd still have each other's back.

then while we had car trouble with a bent key which later we jested about how even my key isn't straight, jo disarmingly pointed how i managed my anger with such things a lot better than before, how i breathed and looked for solutions rather than react. and we all said a concerted prayer about sorting things out and she went on to tell me about her jaunt with the mrs at church and applied the message she took away about how God answers prayers not at our pace or time, haha here's my little missy preaching and applying. i couldn't feel prouder nor relieved that she's finding her own way spiritually.

i find myself taking furtive glances at them, feeling this deep swell in my heart that these two little women have made such leaps in their lives. duckie is coming into her own in self-assurance (she tells me about how her friends laugh at her jokes) and bunny is becoming this well-focused individual whom i have no qualms about a precise ambition (possibly amassing obscene amounts of wealth). that said, i also see how they will look out for each other, jo being jil's moral compass while jill takes care of business. it's all i can ever want as a mom. they are and always will be my life's greatest blessings.

re-writing the narrative

today at the gym while catching my breath by the window after a session of kickboxing, i notice a hummingbird going about its business so busily, you know how small these creatures are so its fascinating to actually catch one in action. it went about its days like the world didnt matter around it, just fixated on its task for whatever its instincts required. this to me is a sound lesson on mindfulness, such wonderful purpose in simplicity when humanity has complicated things too much and to mostly futile ends, i might add.

so after a week of solitude i've learned the best way to deal with setbacks:
first you shouldn't channel any universal explanations to why you're in a rut. it just is. no entity is playing you nor is this some part of a perverse divine plan. i strongly believe that somedays one's timing is just out of wack, and you may miss the bus by 10sec or you may get caught in a jam by deciding to detour last minute, or maybe you reach a place only to have the lift repaired by a minute...these things happen, nothing is controlling the wheel of your er, fortune. so in an existential moment, the rest of your day may be determined by a whole chain of events possibly linked in a xeno's paradox sort of way where you have no real control of except to let each moment unravel. it sounds a little convoluted but that best explains things in reason rather than spiritual or emotional responses.

and once you're riding the predicament, don't fret or let your mind become fuzzy. nor succumb to a self-imposed state of existential crisis, but keep a presence of mind and talk yourself through the measures of rectification. the latest the episode of recovering items in my stolen wallet is like a quest no different from an online game. one at a time, no haste, just within a pace you can manage, as a choice, not a compulsion. that way you don't get all flustered by the rest of humanity but simply write your own narrative and not let others control it for you.

in all things take solace that you still give a toss. most people would blame, run or essentially try to find a reason for everything, or convince themselves a higher order is persecuting them or teaching them. most likely i believe it is just our own soul or conscience if you like which teaches us. it is an untapped source of wisdom which grounds us to sense and calm. we ought to tune in more often and perhaps gain some form of control to avert bad choices.

so i have learned much more about my own strengths than i possibly thought i could. every little roadblock is not perceived as one but like a game, an opportunity to rely on my inner wisdom to grow and become self-sufficient as a result. it's funny how when giving my police statement, i was asked at least 3 times who i lived with and by the third reply that i lived alone, i heard my soul say, you go girl, you have become such an impermeably independent soul that there is absolutely nothing you can't do on your own, and still lend your strength to others.i've never been a cry baby even from young and i remember the absolute joy procuring my first racer bike and tearing down the island from east to west even at 15yo because the freedom and autonomy of not relying on anyone to get me places was indescribable.

 i had written my own narrative up till my 44th bd and will go on to do same until my last breath, which i know will also be a chapter i will complete on my own, on my own terms.

afterthought: this may also explain why in my entire dating history it has been my independent and confident (resilient even) spirit which had drawn them. even if they want to take care of me, they know they don't need to.  some fell away as a result of this because they felt redundant. perhaps that is the reason why i am most at peace when alone, because i need not explain this to anyone, that i love who i am and what i have made myself to be.

june hols are upon us.

So i don't completely waste away, here's a to-do list:

1. get tooth extraction sorted out 
2. have a kickass vacay in taichung 
3. read AMS 
4. seek alternative vehicle options
5. spend quality time w kids when they arent in school 
6. get wedding items like decor, dress for her n band also for her 
7. go on beach walks w pooch coz she is getting neurotic

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vividly i dreamt i was driving a convertible with a ciggy on my right and lexi riding shotgun. we were heading nowhere, just endless open roads. that is a perfect world, perhaps symbolic of my last journey into truth and light. if only i had a look at the number plate...

i've lost so much this month. my front tooth, my wallet, my faith in anything good in humanity. i think 44 has a lot more riding in its portent. 

life drops a shitload on your head and i say bring it, make it a boulder this time.

the distance is insurmountable. maybe like everything false in life we beguile ourselves with manufactured forms of happiness. all i want is to bottle that artless laughter of the children when they still were. that perhaps is the closest thing to unadulterated bliss.